Grateful to learn that people pleasing was spiritual bypassing

For much of my life I was desperately worried about what others thought of me, and tried to meet their needs even before their needs were spoken. Partly because I thought this is what being a good person was, and partly because it was a way of avoiding feeling painful feelings, or feeling any feelings. (Any feelings might lead to painful feelings).

On the one hand, I could be patient, kind and well behaved. On the other hand, I could be resentful and frustrated and sink into depression.

The kindness was a form of self-protection: I will keep everyone else happy so I don’t need to be overwhelmed by the feelings I have whenever anyone hints they don’t like me or something I’ve done.

When the kindness came from that place - from a place of pushing myself to stay safe - of course the resentment came out later. My system was working too hard and that was unsustainable.

Standing next to a Buddha in Port Merion village in North Wales.

If you are someone who has the tendency to people-please in this way, hearing teachings about being kind to each other, or about putting others needs above your own, can make you think that you are a good person and that you are really embodying the spiritual path you have chosen, when in fact you are still acting from a place of self-protection.

We can do good for others from this place, but it will be a bit wonky. Perhaps we act too quickly for others and they miss out on learning experiences, or we act too quickly and don’t actually see what is really good for the other person or the situation. Or perhaps we get it right, what the other person wants, but offer too much of ourselves and then have to withdraw later or end up becoming dysregulated ourselves - feeling distressed and causing distress to others.

This is a form of spiritual bypassing. I tell myself I am following the teachings, but actually I am using them to avoid noticing something about myself. Or to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings.

The true spiritual journey is about turning inwards, as much as it about compassion to others.

It is about including ourselves in that compassion - seeing ourselves and others clearly and taking action that is good for the whole situation.

That might be acting quickly, or it might be doing nothing.

The embodied feeling of genuine compassion, compassion that comes from a wide open heart and includes everyone, is very different from the embodied feeling of kindness as a form of self-protection.

Kindness as a form of self-protection can feel frenetic and anxious, or it can feel dead and empty. Genuine compassion comes from a place that is both relaxed and lively.

It took me a long time to learn the difference between these two places. Of course, I still fall into self-protection, but less often these days, and with more kindness to myself and more understanding of what’s happening.

One of the most important steps on the way was unlearning that I had to suppress my own needs in order to be a good person.

In fact, it’s crucially important to know what my own needs are. From that place of clear seeing I can (attempt) to make a wise choice, is this a need that needs meeting? Is it something I can actually let go of? (Can I notice the difference between real letting go and pretending to let go?)

Real spiritual practice includes kindness to all beings. And I’m a being as well.

Manifesting the Pure Land

This Saturday at 5pm BST

I’m giving an online talk. The Pure Land Sutra says there are no hell realms in the Pure Land, I believe it’s possible to create Pure Lands here in this life time, but there are clearly hell realms in this world. Is it possible to reconcile this?

Join me as I explore this question. Tickets available on Eventbrite.