Craving vs intimacy

There is a part of me that always longs for intimacy in my spiritual practice: intimacy with the Buddha, which is to say with a compassionate force that comes from outside of me and is wise and brings me to awakening in all sorts of ways; that longs for intimacy with the whole world, which is to say dropping as many of my biases as possible and just being in the present moment; and that longs for intimacy with myself, welcoming whatever thoughts and feelings arise.

There is a part of me that longs for people to turn up to the events that I offer. That longs to feel seen and respected and appreciated by others. That longs to be seen as a success.

When I am craving an audience, the possibility of intimacy disappears.

This year, after recovering from moving house (more or less) Satya and I have both started offering more Buddhist teachings again. We have been giving talks in person at the temple, and have a new series of online events running monthly on Saturdays as well.

My audience craving part kicked in. How many people have booked? How many people are going to turn up? What will this say about me?

How can I find the right form of words to talk about the event? Is this title strong enough? What am I doing that can be changed? Where is the lever I can pull to magic up an audience?

But that part will never be satisfied.

Not when its focus is on the number of people that show up and how they respond to the event. There is no upper limit to the number of people that will show. There will always be a more famous Buddhist teacher than me that I can compare myself to. Wanting more people leads to wanting more people. Craving leads to craving, not satisfaction.

At the beginning of the week I walked around the garden and clipped some tree blossoms to go on my office shrine. I clipped white clusters of flowers from the Swedish Whitebeam, and bright pink clusters from the purple Elderflower.

I put them into a vase and brought it up to my office. I knelt in front of the shrine and placed the vase next to the Buddha. I said, “I offer these flowers to the Buddha, for the sake of all sentient beings.”

Here was real satisfaction. Here was the intimacy I longed for. And it not only satisfied the parts that long for intimacy, it also satisfied the craving for an audience. As I sat in front of the shrine the craving dropped away.

It doesn’t matter if anyone turns up on Saturday (although I’m sure some will). What matters is that I will be sitting with the Buddha.

If you’d like to sit with me and the Buddha, join me for our next Dharma Hour.

The topic is the Three Minds of Awakening. We’ll explore if we need to cultivate good states of mind when we chant and meditate, or if we just chant and meditate without worrying about that.

Dharma Hour: The Three Minds of Awakening. Saturday 16th May 5pm - 6pm UK time. Tickets available on Eventbrite.