As a Buddhist teacher I say over and over again that you don’t need to rely on external validation. That when you have faith in the loving presence of Amida Buddha that will sustain you through all the ups and downs of life.
And “We teach best what we need to learn”.1
I rely less on external validation than I used to. But I still fall into relying it over and over again. Sometimes what others think of me feels so important.
Like life or death.
Evolutionary psychologists will say that makes sense. To be thrown out of the tribe would have meant death.
Psychodynamic therapists will say that makes sense. As infants we rely on the goodwill of our care-givers to survive and those habits are hard to shake off.
Whatever the reason, parts of me still deeply hold to the belief that what others think of me is crucial. That it is life giving.
It’s no accident I was drawn to the stage. Oh, that applause!
And it’s no accident that I was draw to a Buddhist tradition where the central pillar is the opposite. That we do not need to reply on what others think2. What a relief!
We teach best what we need to learn. I’m teaching and learning this lesson over and over again.
It’s no accident I was given the Buddhist name Kaspalita, which means protected by the light. My teacher saw that I would need reminding every day. More than every day. Every time someone calls my name it is a reminder that there is something good and reliable that can sustain me. Something that is not the fickle views of others (or myself).
Pure Land Buddhism puts it this way: if we connect to Amida Buddha we will be reborn in their Pure Land.
What is Amida Buddha? What is the Pure Land? What does reborn mean? Commentators throughout the ages have each given wildly different answers to these questions.
Amida Buddha is a cosmic Buddha who exists out there as force for love that comes into the world and into our lives. Amida Buddha is the power of love that we have in our own hearts. Amida Buddha is the whole of reality.
The Pure Land is another realm that we go to at the point of death. It is another realm that we can visit in dreams and visions from this world. It is a way of looking at this world. It is this world.
I find meaning in all of these answers at different times. I think of them all as metaphors. They are all ways at getting at something that is true and yet each answer obscures something as much as it reveals something.
The broad thrust of the argument is that there is something good and something that we can rely on and that trusting in that brings solace, and ultimately brings goodness itself.
Or, to borrow from another tradition, as Julian of Norwich said, “Sin is behovely, but all shall be well” and “you shall not be overcome.”
Recently I have fallen back into depending on what others think of me for my own wellbeing. It is exhasuting and confusing. It’s impossible to keep everyone happy all of the time. Even though that’s exactly what parts of me long for.
And when I fail in that impossible task I return to the basic foundation of my faith. I return to what I teach over and over again. That my wellbeing does not have to be dependent on the views of other people. That I can make a different choice, and anchor myself in something that is completely loving, wise and reliable.
It goes by many different names.3 It’s impossible to see it clearly with human eyes. It exists and it keeps welcoming me back.
Richard Bach in Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah
Take it into account, sure, but don’t depend on it.
Sufi’s calll it The Friend
Another spiritual traditions says," Be in the world, but not of the world." I think it's a clear distinction between being worldly and expecting others (the world) to satisfy something in us that's missing, and realizing that we already have everything we need within us or at our disposal at all times. For those who are tapped into spirituality (vs. religion), we learn to look inward to our Source, rather than to external sources. Thank you for this. Good food for thought, whether you are Buddhist or not.